Here we are in February...
Well...
I've booked three 7-8 day coach holidays re-visiting Eastbourne (March), Criccieth (July) & Sandown IOW (October)
And an additional 5 day trip down to Torquay (Apr-May), as I had a few days off.
A few days off at the beginning of July for my 55th Birthday - setting base camp in Leicester with plans to meet a cousin.
January & February - A wash out - no adventures and rarely out
March - holiday season has finally arrived
January: A few days off work but too icy to go out. I was feeling a little better but didn't make it out.
February: erm.... I didn't get out as it was too cold and wet. Going out on my own didn't give me any motivation.
March: The sun came out and I finally made it out to a Wine Tasting and then my first coach holiday of the year, to Newquay. Then nothing else until...
April: Finally made it out for another walk - just the one.
A cyber attack at work caused a lot of chaos, which we just had to adapt to. With the effects still being felt more than 6 months later.
May: Social events, another holiday with sun and lots of walking. Finally getting out, which I need to do as Post Holiday Depression (PHD) seems to get worse every time.
To keep myself occupied, when I'm not out, I spent many, many hours rebuilding my websites (again)
And so... More relaxing coach holidays to Porthcawl, another trip to Newquay, Bridlington and finished off at Melrose. PHD wasn't too bad for most of these, until the end of the year when I ended up deep in the depression pit, with little positive to pick me up. Despite depression I have not hurt myself this year, that I can remember.
40 year friendship: A friend from church youth club days, now living is Australia, messaged me to say we'd been friends for 40 years and that we needed to share selfies having a toast to our friendship. This was so lovely. She was my first valentine, even though I knew I didn't stand a chance back then. She's been so supportive of me changing and is a very positive influence on my life. More than friends? No - she's married with 6 kids and lives on the other side of the world.
The Tempest: My first introduction to the renowned native Indian, Shaking Spear - whoops I mean the literary talent of Shakespeare. A modern, comedy twist by The Handlebards, so good that I went back for a 2nd show.
Followed by: Sherlock Holmes - The Hunt for Moriarty, in November and The Scouse Christmas Carol in December
December: Social meetup with St Helens CAMRA group. An enjoyable afternoon out, despite the weather, and I made a couple of new friends.
A few positives to end the year - for a change.
2021
April: A new camera, time off and good weather inspired me to get out walking and taking new photos for my gallery. 17.5 miles in 2 weeks was the most I walked for 4 years and a personal best of 6.14 miles, beating my previous longest walk of 5.99 miles. Of course I made plans for more holidays..
June/July: My 50th birthday and an 8 day coach holiday to Exmouth, Devon
I made a lovely, crazy friend (the best type) and she helped encourage me to dress in skirt & heels in the hotel.
October: 7 day coach holiday to the Isle of Wight Met another lovely friend to keep in touch with.
Lovely weather meant I was able to do lots of exploring.
As usually the holidays were great but I always had the feeling of loneliness.
November: My stepdad died - life will change now, slowly.
Unfortunately I suffered a mental breakdown during the funeral planning, which left me broken for a few months, but despite having no direct support my recovery has been good.
December: Sustained an injury to my good arm, at work, which is taking time to heal.
2022
Another friendship from the past restored - other friendships made too. Unfortunately an old school friend has silently blocked me. Losing people always upsets me - but I can't change things so I have to just move on.
Ventured out, on my own, to meet up with a friend.
Unfortunately my depression is ruling too much of my life. I need to get out but don't know where to go. I am keeping up with holiday adventures, but they feel empty. (in 2025 all this is still sadly true)
HOLIDAY SEASON:
April: Coach holiday to Scarborough - a lot of walking but the holiday didn't excite me.
July: Birthday escape to Llangollen - lovely B&B and a bit of adventuring but loneliness hit hard.
August: Another holiday adventure, this time to Scotland, and I ended up connecting with someone from my life 35+ years ago at The Fringe. Her story was funny, sad and very deep, which unfortunately triggered a mini mental breakdown. I will never regret being there and I'm glad I've got another connection with more past friends. I'm relatively stable again and can't wait to meet up with more people old and new in my life.
September: A week in Tenby - another coach holiday of course - A bit too remote but it was a break.
October: A short trip to Weston-super-Mare, Bath & Cheddar Gorge. Nice weather and another lonely time.
December: Falling and sliding on sheet black ice left me with yet another injury. This time cartilage in my right knee has suffered. Always soft tissue injuries that never really recover.
2023
Another year and.... no things haven't really got much better.
Still getting out and about a bit and meeting new people to chat with.
My computer services and website work is still active and I'm trying to build more on this as a sideline job. (which unfortunately never happened, as of 2025, as I don't have the contact circles)
February: My first week off of the year, and I had to look after my mum as she wasn't well for a few days. She's doing okay again now.
March: Try again with another week off. What could possibly go wrong?... Covid strikes back. My 2nd time and it wiped me out for the week.
HOLIDAY SEASON:
May: 3rd time lucky? - possibly - I lovely 1st day of the week off with a sunny visit to a Cider Apple Farm.
My knees are in a bad way but I still managed to enjoy myself and chat with lovely people on the trip.
Followed by a 5 day coach trip to Llandrindod Wells, Aberystwyth, Devil's Bridge & Ludlow - Not the best adventure and the driver did the least he could possibly do.
July: Back to the Isle of Wight for 8 days. More great adventures and it was lovely to meet my friend there again too, even if things weren't going well for her. 18C most days and 18 miles of walking - not bad, even with a dodgy knee. Skirt & Heels most evenings - and they got some praise.
September: Eastbourne for 8 days - 26C most days so just a little bit of walking - okay so about 26 miles - my knee injury didn't slow me down too much. Fate took me to a Cat Café, where I had a super relaxed time - so I revisited a couple of days later. I survived the heat - apparently.
I felt comfortable in the hotel so dressed in tops, skirts & heels - I got lots of compliments. It's a shame I had to leave but short staffing and poor staff skills were frustrating.
October: A short 5 days break in Dunoon - my 5th time there and hopefully more rHeel me time. A nice break.
Not much else happened other than holidays
2024
An interesting year for sure.
January: A 4 day trip to Durham to try to meet a friend, but things didn't work out.
More escapes to Blackpool in February and Morecambe in May. I had some nice walks but I was lonely as always.
A new friend: My first coach holiday of year in Bognor Regis and I've made a lovely, relatively local friend. We have kept in touch since and keeping looking at options to meet up again.
More coach holiday walks in Ilfracome in September and Weymouth in October. Nice times but lonely, of course.
December Depression: Winter arrived and depression hit me very hard. I stopped going out and with no local friends I had to survive this on my own again.
Then Christmas and New Year got wiped out as I caught the flu from my mum, who also managed to have a fall so I had to stay awake for 2 days looking after her, until I got sick.
2016
Got the best birthday present I could have ever asked for - my Megha friend - half my age and so like my step-daughter in a lot of ways - totally accepted me as Beth and this friendship became pure magic.
Nearly lost another very important part of my life - my step-daughter and I almost broke apart but things appeared to be OK, although saying "thank you" became less important as time went on - she means the world to me - but in March 2021 she blocked me from her life after years of ignorance, rudeness and lies from her and one of her aunties. I never gave up on her, no matter what she thought - and yes it hurts me every time I think about it. Final attempts to talk again in 2024 failed. I may have given up fighting but I'll always be sad at the hole that is left in my life.
2017
Problems at work after an injury - stress and depression paid me another visit and this matter dragged on for far too long.
Self harming: Not a new thing and something that I was still doing in 2024. Fortunately I don't use sharp blades but I often bite my arms or punch them, occasionally punching my head. I have hit my arms with blunt blades too. Fortunately none of these have caused any serious injuries.
2018
Still living in my unhappy box but can't really afford to move out as depression keeps spending my money.
June: My first festival - Africa Oyé at Sefton Park - Wellies, very heavy rain shower and sunshine - the music wasn't bad but I probably wouldn't go back again - then booked a Rum and Reggae, in August. My Megha friend kept me company for both of these.
July: Now 47 and time for some changes - hopefully for the better.
Another bumpy time with my step-daughter but hopefully hugs will hold us together and we'll make a fresh start and become close again - I hate losing people from my life that mean so much to me. (things never improved - but my door is always open for her to come back)
My first visit to Canal Street Manchester - a quiet afternoon and evening and not the full entertainment scene - maybe one day. Not a full girly day out for me but made a little effort.
Reviewing my life and hoping to get healthier physically and mentally. Resetting my life for myself - as I am - and no longer putting up with people not accepting me for me. I am not who I want to be and may never be.
September: My first holiday for 4.5 years and back to Scotland for the first time in 6.5 years.
November: Another injury and my social plans are on hold until the new year.
2019
Damaged muscle in my foot - finally started settling down after 10 months. Hopefully I'll get out walking again soon.
May: Another coach holiday to Scotland - very relaxing.
June: Rebuilding friendships lost 6-9 years ago :)
September: spending a lot more time back in the chat world of imvu - making some new friendships but also having to deal with some drama over the following years.
October: Coach holiday time again - This time my first trip to South Wales. Hampered by foot injury.
The holidays were relaxing and it's always great to explore - but they are lonely.
2020
Despite lockdown and severe depression I have been able to walk properly again so I have been back out in heels in pubs and when on holidays.
Hopefully more adventures when life starts getting back to normal.
Unfortunately Depression and Stress hit me hard and tics started - not often noticeable but still a thing that I may have to live with forever. Fortunately these had almost gone by 2025, although they do appear occasionally.
On a positive side, I did find inspiration to build a new PC and upgrade my laptop and spare PC.
2007
Finally came out to a work colleague and started an online dating profile as the rHeel me.
Made some lovely new friends and made my first big step into going public.
Found a gay bar that I was comfortable at - even though I'm not gay - I'm a lesbian in a man's body.
My ex found out that I was a cross dresser and did not approve - even got her solicitor to write to me to say I must not go out in heels when I was with the kids as I have a duty of care - It's a shame that her solicitor doesn't know the law. Fortunately my son and step-daughter didn't have a problem with me.
I managed to find somewhere else to live, that wasn't as stressful.
2009
Out of work and depression took over. My life stopped and I was close to having a full mental breakdown. Facing anyone was a challenge and I had nobody to turn to, except...
Moved back in with my mum and step-dad. This was a challenge as I had to come out to them.
Whilst this was better for my mental state than almost being homeless I have new issues to deal with.
My mum said she knew from when I was about 5 - I wish I was free to be myself from that young age.
She "accepted the chemical imbalance in my brain" - AARRGGHH!!!! - this was when I remembered what she had said all those years ago - "I thought I brought you up right" - at least she accepted me.
My step-dad, on the other hand, did not approve at all - his house, his rules and I had to be "normal".
My 6ft x 8ft room was my only girly space.
A few months later a pub friend recommended me for a job, which I took and still there many years later.
2013
My St Helens safe pub closed down - I eventually found a few other places to go out - but rarely out any more.
This was a big blow for me feeling happy as the rHeel me.
1998
Married - I wasn't ready but I was a wimp and went along with it.
1999
I have a son - I always said I would never have kids, so I married a single mum then we had a kid together - not quite what I had originally planned - wouldn't give my son up though.
2000
Separated - money problems and personality conflicts (narc) destroyed everything - going behind my back to my mum (who I just put up with) to try to resolve problems, without discussing them with me - but she "bent over backwards to save our marriage" - in her own misguided world.
Things were civil - I don't like making enemies - keeping friends is hard enough - she eventually stopped talking to me completely, in about 2016, when my son was old enough to make his own decisions.
2002
Job change - No longer working in Liverpool - Now working in St Helens.
My own place now too - in Prescot - not the best accommodation. Regular problems with the landlord.
At least now I was finally free to be myself - the rHeel me - my own clothes and my first female name.
My first name, Amy, was an anagram of my birth name but I later gave up on that and became Beth. (later Beth Nicole to fit in with my website domain)
2003
Started at Cats Protection helping my brother, who was the shelter manager - my first website project when I was given 2 weeks to take over the site and had to start with no knowledge whatsoever.
This kept me busy for about 3 or 4 years. I gave up after my brother had left, being burnt out with too much work didn't help either.
I made a lovely, crazy friend there and despite losing touch with her after I left we eventually reconnected.
2004
Divorce finalised. Now divorced I felt that my ex was getting more support from the church than I was. I felt let down and alone. I gave up my car and relying on public transport I gave up on the church completely. I was hurting but still needed something.
1985
back to Knotty Ash
Bullied at school for being a shy, quiet, weak, loner. Beaten up, egged and alone.
I did fight back against a bully at Colomendy - pushed him and he fell onto his bed and it broke - I got a little tiny bit more respect after that - he couldn't really tell anyone what had happened.
I fought back against a bully in school and got caned for it. I also got caned for not doing French homework - as learning problems were a crime back then.
I often self harmed by head butting walls - I never told anyone (until 1 friend in 2024).
My first own room - many days on the computer writing Text Adventure Games on my Acorn Electron - simple days (revived many, many years later - for a while at least)
Converted loft became my escape space and dress up room - finally my own clothes - well a few.
Mum caught me in her shoes one day - "I thought I brought you up right" - this would be explained many years later (2009).
Attended the local Baptist church including the Young People's Fellowship (youth club) - made many friends here and still just about in touch with a few of them 40 years later.
It was a fire and brimstone, hell and damnation style ministry with hymns ancient and prehistoric. OK so it wasn't all that bad. I enjoyed some of the older hymns but found the message easier in more modern songs.
1989
Accepted Jesus into my life, whilst waiting in Broadgreen for a bus home, on a lovely sunny day.
My first job - after a few months on a YTS (training scheme) - Admin Clerk at a Solicitors (DGG).
1992
A friend was now attending another church and they were going on a 3 week mission to Portugal. I visited his church and signed up for the mission. My local church told me to decide if I should be supporting my local church. I did not see the need for boundaries. I was baptised at Easter then went on the mission in the summer. Upon returning I moved to the new church where I felt part of a family, without the judgement and criticism of my original church.
1994
Came home from holiday to find my employer had ceased trading and that I was out of work - someone I worked with recommended me for a new job just a few weeks later.
1977
Moved to a suburb of Leeds where my parents had a general store.
I still remember the layout of the house - my memory hasn't failed yet.
My brother and I used our pocket money to buy Mr Men books - this didn't go down well with our mother. We could only do what we were told we could.
I spent many a day sat in a trailer as my dad delivered fruit and veg around the neighbourhood - health and safety rules were a lot more relaxed back then.
Tried to learn to ride a bike but Raleigh Chopper was bigger than me and I just kept falling off. I eventually learned to ride several years later - riding around Haven Holiday Camp with my brother.
The best room was the loft room where we spent times with Granny - happy times.
I have vague memories of a school friend or 2 - but they are long lost and forgotten.
1979
Moved to Knotty Ash (yes it's a real place), Liverpool.
Another general store, until my dad died. I helped fill shelves, price stock and pack bags - pulling stock forward and turning labels to the front was automatic whenever I was in a shop after that.
rHeel me: My brother and I were dressed up by mother as Hinge and Bracket - after that we played in dens made from furniture, blankets and sheets - while I dressed up as girly me.
Innocent days.
1984
aged 12 3/4s
Moved in with Granny in Everton for a few months after my dad died - more dressing up days.
I never cried when my dad died. I was too young and it wasn't quite real. I've cried a few times since.
There are times now when I wish he was still around. I hope he would have accepted who I really am.
1971
I was born in a small village in North Yorkshire, the eldest of 2 brothers - yes I was born male but that side of me has frustrated my life.
Had a few friends in the street. At the end of the road was a farmer's field with cows, then a short walk, crossing the railway line to the river. Extended road and dual carriage way make this trip impossible now.
I love that I still have some of these early memories. I don't remember much at all from then.
1977
Moved to a suburb of Leeds where my parents had a general store.
I still remember the layout of the house - my memory hasn't failed yet.
My brother and I used our pocket money to buy Mr Men books - this didn't go down well with our mother. We could only do what we were told we could.
I spent many a day sat in a trailer as my dad delivered fruit and veg around the neighbourhood - health and safety rules were a lot more relaxed back then.
Tried to learn to ride a bike but Raleigh Chopper was bigger than me and I just kept falling off. I eventually learned to ride several years later - riding around Haven Holiday Camp with my brother.
The best room was the loft room where we spent times with Granny - happy times.
I have vague memories of a school friend or 2 - but they are long lost and forgotten.
